Chronicle 75 - Status quo

For the past two years, I've always received some soft of gift for Teacher's day. Besides the common chocolates and cards, there was one particular gift that I remember quite clearly. It was from this primary two female student. My style of teaching then was to mark and go through homework at the same time, question by question, where the students would then do their corrections in real time. I never understood why, but kids have this fascination with being able to hold a red pen and mark ticks and crosses. They would request to mark their own work while I go through it with them. This particular girl has the habit of drawing rather long and excessive ticks and crosses. In jest, I once told her that I'm too poor to purchase red pens and she shouldn't use up so much of my red ink. She didn't heed my words of course.

But during a certain lesson, one week before Teacher's day, she gave me a little present, which I unwrapped to be a box of red pens. I asked her the reason she got me those and she told me verbatim: "My mother and I went shopping for your present. Then I remembered you said that you got no money to buy red pens. So I told my mother to buy for you." Almost hugged her there and then... Thank God I didn't. On my last lesson with her, I told her: "Goodbye...Forever", and she started to tear. Taken aback, I hastily said a proper good bye to her and her mother and ran out. By the way, this girl was from China and was struggling in her English previously, usually averaging about 60% in her exams. Under my tutelage, she topped her class and achieved over 90% in her final exams. No, I am not bragging although I was full of pride then. God, I miss teaching!

In the present, work resumes and it's busy as always. AC and NH have just concluded their little visit to Singapore and has returned to the UK. AC had a few nicknames she came up with for me which I pretended to hate. She was promoted right after getting back and we're all very happy for her. She sent me an email wishing me well and reminding me of my nickname. The conversation kinda kind went like this:

AC: "Bigggg upppsss... [Insert nickname] on the ipo briefing"
Me: "... Anyway, how're you guys? The winds from the UK tell of good news."
AC: "What are the winds carrying?"
Me: "The haze and smog from the burning of Indonesian forests Link"

I generally don't like change. But there are certain things that you actually are able to take a liking to in a relatively short time.

On a related note, SO left for the UK on Friday, and is now exploring London. I know my turn will come - in March - but I am quite envious. I'm gonna hound her for details when she gets back. SO also passed the International Certificate in Investor Relations Examination, a professional qualification for Investor Relations just last week. I'm very happy for her, but also very stressed as I know I will have to take the examination soon.

We just concluded an internal appraisal review and I kind of expected my feedback. Everyone had their review done in the conference room with the boss. When it was my turn, my boss came over to my desk and told me to step out of the office to Starbucks for coffee. Somehow, that was not very assuring, especially since I wrote something along the lines of "I don't know what I want to be doing" to a question that asked about my longer-term aspirations with the company. But, the review wasn't as scary as I thought and it only reinforced the notion that my boss is a wonderful boss. We set down some objectives for myself including working towards a promotion and passing the International Certificate in Investor Relations examination. That is stressful.

The big boss from UK also came over last week and gave his usual pep talk. He always adds to the stress factor every time he comes over but he also has his way of making people feel inspired. I suppose some people are leaders for a reason.

We also concluded a major event for a client and everything ran rather well, except for one little speaker who couldn't keep to the time allocated for his presentation and overran his presentation by 115%. I was desperately signalling him from the back to wrap up for he just went on and on. It didn't help that my superiors kept telling me to stop him. I was literally trying to pull my hair out then. There is a natural order to this universe and it should be adhered to.
 
My dad and I got into an argument sometime back. It started out with one of his usual rants after a little bit of alcohol. I've had much experience with that and I managed to keep my cool. However, he eventually said something which somehow just made made me lose it and I confronted him in a shouting match - at 2am in the morning. I'm sure the neighbours must have been pretty startled. In his drunken stupor, he tried to best me in the confrontation. He shouted at me, I shouted back louder. He stared at me, I stepped in to within an inch of his face and glared back. He attempted to push me back, I stood my ground. He could hardly stand nor walk straight by himself at that point anyway. It's been a few weeks and not a single word has been exchanged between us and I actually think that this state is desirable. No interaction, no conflict. Looks this this may continue for some time, or maybe even forever.

I met my University mates a few times to celebrate some birthdays. With everyone busy and doing their own stuff, seeing each other's faces at some point is a welcome development.
 
I just got back from Batam with C and F. The water sports was kinda disappointing but it was overall still a good trip to relax and get away from the built-up tensions from work. And I'll be going again in a few weeks with my University mates. Let's hope the water activities will be much better.

I have stumbled across two new shows, "The Newsroom" and "The Big Bang Theory". Both are great shows and very enjoyable. If only I had more time and didn't have to watch them during such late hours, it would be perfect. I managed to get SO and my new colleague MC watching "The Newsroom" too.

I went for badminton with C and F a few weeks back. It wasn't exactly a challenge at all although it was kinda fun to be able to hit some shuttlecocks after a while. As usual, C uploaded the activity onto Facebook. A friend (Fine; a girl I once had a crush on) commented and said that she was open to joining us sometime.

And following up on Chronicle 73, I have come up with a first draft of a working definition for confidence. "Confidence is the degree of success in which the collective sum of all external expressions and behaviours are able to be deployed to exhibit a certain perceived self-assurance."

Basically, there are three points I want to make:

• Confidence is external rather than internal; it is not intrinsic motivation nor is it a state of emotion, but rather, it is how well you are able to convince others that you are sure of your mental or physical ability to handle a particular subject or activity. In short, it is what and how you show instead of what and how you feel.
• The "genuineness" of confidence is irrelevant. As it is the projection of external indicators, intrinsic motivators or emotions should not affect confidence in the context of the above definition of confidence as the measure of success in that projection. In short, there is no real or fake confidence; confidence is confidence.
• As confidence is external rather than an intrinsic state of emotion or mind, it requires a conscious effort to maintain the indicators associated with the reinforcement of confidence. In short, being confident requires effort and hence, is a skill that can be easily acquired - technically speaking.

[Quotes]
"I've never been reckless - it's always been calculated. I'm mischievous but I'm calculated." - Aubrey Drake Graham

"Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully." - Richard Bach

"There is a primal reassurance in being touched, in knowing that someone else, someone close to you, wants to be touching you. There is a bone-deep security that goes with the brush of a human hand, a silent, reflex-level affirmation that someone is near, that someone cares." - Jim Butcher

"When someone tells me 'No', it doesn't mean I can't do it, it simply means I can't do it with them." - Karen E. Quinones Miller