Our founder, AG, came to Singapore last month. On the
whole, the business seems to be doing ok, and Singapore seemed to have had our best
year ever. During a one-on-one meeting with him, he asked me if I was looking
to leave! What? I’m pretty sure he didn’t come to that conclusion himself, so I
wonder what my boss has been telling him. I guess I now have a “FLIGHT RISK!”
label hanging above my head. During my review last week, I sought to clarify
this. I told my boss that I am indeed unable to commit to seeing a long-term
career with them but that doesn’t mean I am in a hurry to leave either. I am
but trying to figure things out and I don’t want to be penalized for it. It’s
not exactly the best position to be in when your bosses are constantly worrying
about when you might leave. Anyhow, she told me that I was doing a good job and
committed to raise my pay and give me a bonus. Oh well, at least that’s
something positive – although that also makes it harder to leave if I
eventually realize I want to.
Anyway, on the back of my promised bonus and pay
raise, I bought sports earphones and a new Razer gaming mouse. Hopefully, these
two purchases will allow me to rediscover my fitness and my passion for gaming.
I wanted to buy a new laptop as well but couldn’t find one that is good value
at the moment. Guess I’ll just wait till the next IT Fair.
I met LAB last month and treated her to Din Tai Fung
for her birthday dinner. As my punching bag cover had torn following some very
stressful months, she also helped to patch it up.
MC went to interview for a position at Cohn &
Wolfe but I guess she is in the same predicament as me somewhat. She recently
got promoted and is awaiting a bonus so that might be holding her back.
LT has tendered and will be starting at Bell Pottinger
soon. Her leaving was a long time coming I suppose considering how unhappy she
was there. Hopefully, she will find her new workplace and job to be more
suitable. I’m most worried for her among the girls.
AS is doing quite well as well and is working hard
towards a promotion. I met the Tulchan alumni (the girls as well as CF and JZ) for
dinner a few weeks back and ironically, I was the traitor amongst them for not
leaving; they called me a spy and a mole. We used to joke about where I should
go and all, and AS told me that deep down, she didn’t want me to join her at Newgate
as I would be another obstacle in her progression path. Fair enough, and I was
glad she was honest - not that I wanted to join anyway.
JT (the new girl that joined late last year) asked me
if I would like to go for a Christian-themed movie screening with her sometime
back. I had once asked her some questions about the Christian faith and it
prompted her to ask me along – I went. I am not sure if that was the right
choice. I don’t want to sound stupid, but I think she may be a little bit
interested in me? I am not good at this stuff so I have been trying to minimize
any form of contact. This is déjà vu and this is hard!
While I haven’t been playing Dota much, I have instead
tried to pass my time watching some brainless sitcoms. I just finished all 10
seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. It was quite enjoyable actually. I am also starting
on How I Met Your Mother.
A colleague once described my Chinese poem (which I
have on my desktop wallpaper) as “Ching Chong Ling Long”, so I decided to translate
it to convey the meaning behind it:
想当年， 思想薄。
Reflecting upon days past where my powers of cognition were less than modest;优与愁， 随风过。
When frustration and sadness were emotions which had neither hold nor power over me;仰天笑， 全忘了。
Where I could tilt my head to the heavens, and a good laugh could banish all of one’s troubles;不三思， 如水清。
That was a time when I possessed neither complexity nor density in thought, but ironically had more clarity than ever.
经一事， 长一智。
With every event and every experience, I was conditioned to be more sensible and wiser in judgement;不觉中， 智导慌。
Unconsciously, this wisdom would cultivate in oneself feelings of anxiety and fear;知识增， 胆子缩。
And all knowledge acquired came at the cost of one’s courage being traded away;心欲强， 却无力。
The heart would occasionally protest in the form of desires, but would ultimately be powerless to pursue any.
回头望， 错失重。
It took a while, but upon this reflection came the realization that the loss might be too heavy for me to bear;悔与憾， 留沉默。
Is this regret and hate I feel, and what is this deafening silence that haunts me so?垂着头， 求从来。
I hung my head in shame, and into the void, whispered a plea to start anew;深夜里， 寻心安。In the dead of the night, where should one seek if one desires peace within?
I
also recently got news that a friend of mine (who was going out with another friend
of mine only to break up early last year) had gotten engaged. Good for him? I
suppose if he’s found the right one, the length of their courtship doesn’t
really matter.
I am taking my IPPT tomorrow and sadly, I haven’t been
training as much as I should have. Hopefully, those occasional training sessions will help
somewhat.
And finally, I had quite a weird dream the other day.
You know the thing about dreams is that context doesn’t really matter since you
won’t remember how and why you were in the dream-situation anyway. So somehow,
I was with [someone] who was quite upset for some reason, and she confronted me
to ask if I was interested in her. I said NO and then I woke up. I must say… if
I do not have the courage even in my dreams, I guess I should really make peace
with the fact that I will be single forever in real life...
[Quotes]
“Hollowness: that I understand. I'm starting
to believe that there isn't anything you can do to fix it. That's what I've
taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have
to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through
the gaps.” – Paula Hawkins
“In three words I can sum up everything I've
learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert
Frost
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