Chronicle 59 - Paradoxes

Paradox 1: I'm Bothered But I Can't Be Bothered
M told me recently that the 1st step to solving a problem should be admitting that I care. It sure gave me some things to think about. Do I even care? Am I even bothered? If I come across as someone who is insensitive, I would agree if the word “insensitive” was used as a noun instead of an adjective. I didn’t choose to be insensitive, I just am! I told M that while I may be slow and insensitive regarding certain matters that requires the reading and expression of feelings, I can at the very least tell if these feelings manifest into obvious behaviours or changes in them. However, the fact remains that I am not naturally intuitive regarding matters like these. So it is not in my nature to take the initiative in resolving the issue. If you want to know, ask me. If you want me to know, tell me.

On hindsight, because of this mentality, I have lost some friends along the way, even those that were close. So actually I am thankful for certain honest feedback from the friends that remained. I am definitely not active. But I don't consider myself to be passive either. I am reactive. I will react to your honesty and reciprocate in kind.


Paradox 2: Rushing Towards... ... Uncertainty
It's been 3 weeks since I've started school again. I guess the reality of it being the last trimester hasn't really sunk in yet. But then again, I have no idea what I should be doing even if I have internalized it. I mean I have been taking 3 modules every single trimester. I'm not trying to prove anything. I will tell others that it's all in the name of "not wanting to feel stagnant", as well as "wanting to feel as if I am progressing". However, it seems what awaits me after graduation is anything but progress. Not even sure what I am rushing for anymore.


Paradox 3: Attachment In Detachment
When I was giving private tuition, the 1-on-1 setting made it conducive for me to establish certain rules both for my student and myself. As such, as much as I disciplined my student to be focused in his studies, I disciplined myself not to cross the line between being a teacher and umm... "something more"? At my current job, the line if not already crossed is getting blurred. I've instructed my students not to call my number or add me on Facebook at least during my duration in the centre. However, there have been a few cheeky ones that somehow managed to find out my phone no. and some even sent me Facebook friend requests. Of course, I told them off in class. However, I realized that I'm not in the least bit angry. Writing about this now, it actually made me smile.

A few days ago, I was walking my students from their school to the centre when 2 Malay boys started calling out to them in a threatening manner. My presence scared them off eventually (it was hilarious). However, I realized that I was seriously protective of my students when I was staring back at the Malay boys. I was seriously caught up in the "These kids are under my protection, what the f*** do you want?" mode.

There were also many times when I got to know of the kids' problems or I see them upset. The urge to rub their heads, give them a pat on the back, and to comfort them in any way is overwhelming. I always managed to hold it back though. However, when I knew that a student of mine was hit by their parents, I get a form of 莫名其妙的 anger. And yes I admit, somehow I seem to be much more biased and protective towards the girls.


Conclusion
Enough about paradoxes. Anyway, I received a warning letter from MINDEF recently. I forgot all about the need to report any overseas activity to them. They are harping on the fact that I went Bangkok without telling them. I'll need to bear this in mind when I go for the Taiwan trip soon.

Recently, there is this pent-up negative emotion I have and it scares me. It really does. I can keep it in check but still, it is really scaring the shit out of me. Damn Shakespeare, making sense so many years after his death. I've never really understood myself. Often, I find myself surprising myself with the kind of things I do, think, and feel.

I am no good at expressing affection but can express disdain relatively well. So I suppose it's fitting that people have talked about how fierce I am with my students, but never about whether I care for them. Do I? Damn it, I actually do!

[Quotes]
"Conviction without experience makes for harshness." - Flannery O'Connor

"No man knows the genuineness of his convictions until he has sacrificed something for them." - E. H. Chapin

"You must first be the change you want to see in this world." - Mohammad Gandhi