Back at work, it has been really busy. We just concluded a press conference for a client. The prior research and preparation to be done was crazy. There were also so many things for me to pick up. I am leaving office these days at 10pm on average. Regarding the female colleague (SQ) I mentioned in a previous post which always likes to pick on my work, turns out she tendered her resignation notice when I was in Japan. As our clients are mostly similar, I have to take over most of her work. Anyway, I felt that her resignation was pretty sudden considering there was no indication whatsoever that she would leave. The relationship between her and most of the office seems to have turned sour. The big boss and a consultant (JZ) have also taken time to ask me directly if I was affected by her resignation. In all honesty, I may really tender my resignation as well if they do not start hiring soon - not that I told them that. When JZ approached me to see if I was affected by SQ's resignation, I cautiously asked: "Did anything happen between you and SQ?" as I could more or less sense some hostility especially in the language used in the email correspondences and the unusual silence (never happens considering SQ was super vocal) in internal meetings. JZ answered that she was upset with SQ's reluctance to follow-up with some work just because she was leaving, which led to some sort of confrontation between them. She concluded with: "Just remember that you should never offend a girl."
That advice might have come a little late though.
Anyway, a new colleague (SC) from London arrived just when I got back from Japan. Thus far, she has been very helpful despite her outranking me. I haven't really gotten into the mood and momentum of work as of yet and I've made a few mistakes in the short span of these 2 weeks. During one such mistake, she tried to cheer me up with an email:
SC: "Trust me, they've made much worse mistakes in London!"Considering that I felt super lousy at that moment. This little email actually meant a lot.
Me: "Thanks SC. That is oddly comforting."
SC: "I've been there. Tough old life being an analyst - pretty unforgiving at times. It was described to me as being a goalkeeper - you rarely get congratulated on the saves as most take them for granted. I found it helped give some perspectives on things so I didn't get bogged down on the hiccups and made the times I did get a "well done" all the more important."
I went Xcape with my University mates last week. It was a pretty interesting concept of having to figure out clues to escape room after room. Too bad being the amateurs we were, we did not complete the game.
On my birthday, I wasn't feeling really well with a bad headache but dragged myself out for seafood with my family. Strangely enough, it did make me feel better. My sisters got me a new phone cover for my birthday and my mother got me a new pair of glasses. I guess i gotta start to appreciate these little things from now on. I know I've mentioned that sentimentality may not be found in words, but what good then is sentimentality if it is suppressed. How then is it different from indifference?
I also take back all I said in Chronicle 59 about insensitivity. I have realized that "insensitivity" is never an excuse. Rather it is a fault that should be addressed. I need help. It happened with JL, R, WM, WC, EH and I'm sure a whole bunch of others, but I've always managed to apply the "I'm bothered but I can't be bothered" mentality and it has gotten me through every time. I wonder why it doesn't work this time though. This time, it's more like "I'm bothered and although I want not be bothered, I am damn bothered". The fact that I can't seem to do anything about it makes me feel very constricted and frustrated as well. When I first felt that things were amiss, I tried doing things that I thought would help. Everything backfired and nothing was well-received. I have never been good at dealing with feelings of guilt and all attempts to address it only makes things worse. This feeling of not knowing what to do is surprisingly unbearable. I have been tracing back every single conversation that I can remember and been trying to piece things together. Not sure if there's anything else I can do though. Those words really do cut.
On a related note, J once asked me for the difference in the way we think. I would categorize "thinking" into [logical thinking] and [intuition]. Logical thinking is just thinking and concluding based on facts and rational analysis. Intuition however, is different. It is based on the collective experiences of the individual and may not have any logical basis at all. For example, you may enter a room and instantly feel uncomfortable; meet a total stranger that you just feel is trustworthy; sense that a fight has or will break out; or in short just feel like making intuitive predictions and conclusions. I suppose it's somewhat similar to the "sixth sense" or "vibe". I feel that I am competent enough in logical thinking to compete with the average person but would be very weak where intuitive powers are concerned.
[Quotes]
"Insensitivity is not an excuse. It is a fault." - Self
"Sentimentality may not be found in words, but the suppression of sentimentality is indifference." - Self
“Offence is so easily given. ... ... [M]ost of the time a person who is female/black/disabled/gay wants this not to be their defining characteristic; you are supposed to be blind to it. But then, on other occasions, you are supposed to observe special sensitivity, or show special respect.” - Lynne Trus
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