Chronicle 71 - "Not in Order" Disorder

I have never considered myself to be the most meticulous of people. However, I do have a certain obsession with the need to get things in order. But recently, for some reason that I cannot fathom myself, I have been losing my grip on order. Be it in work, social settings, routine tasks and even gaming, I seem to be losing my touch in every single one of these areas. I can no longer perform accordingly to how I envisioned. Mistakes and blunders were made everywhere and my memory fails me at every juncture. My bosses, colleagues and friends have been pretty kind and understanding thus far, but the associated feelings that comes with every screw-up is punishing in itself. M once said: "I realize that you have your blur moments as well." Fine! I agree with that comment now.

The question though would be "why"? I can't pinpoint for sure either. Is it being overworked? Perhaps. But I don't think I am at my limit yet. Is it a loss of interest in the things I am on? Perhaps. But in my case, experience tells me that determination and responsibility are usually sufficient to drive any tasks. Passion is but secondary. I really hope this is but a passing phase. When you start to lose faith in your own abilities, it can only really go on a downward spiral. How ironic that I was usually labelled with "cocky", "arrogant" and "over-confident".

The previous colleague SQ I mentioned in the previous has since left. And while the workload did indeed get heavier, I've also realized and was surprised by how smooth the transition was. She used to be one of the "powerhouse" in the office, but now aside from the heavier workload, her legacy seems somewhat faint. Nobody is irreplaceable or indispensable. Scary yet insightful thought. Another colleague SO has since been promoted, which I felt was way overdue and rightly deserved. These people need to be appreciated more for the work churned out. SO and I also seemed to be getting along better, occasionally trading emails of encouragement and the like when things aren't going so well. A burden shared is a burden halved indeed.

But work isn't all rosy though. As I mentioned, I have been making blunders and all which were usually picked up by people who kinda matter. To make matters worse, work processes are changing by the day. Some I do not agree with, and even for those that I do, they make things difficult. I am now alternating with a colleague to work on a Saturday. It's just for a few hours but it touches the sacred weekend that should be a well-deserved rest if I may say so!

We have been interviewing certain candidates to help us share the workload. There was this guy who didn't make it past our writing test. But he was persistent enough to follow through with emails asking for feedback and the like. His persistence eventually compelled my bosses to give him an internship.As of now, I would say he is pretty handy and helpful around the office, although I do feel as if he is trying too hard at times. If we decide not to hire him after his internship, I think the disappointment is going to hit hard.

On that note, it's not like I have any right to comment about "trying too hard". I believe I am guilty of that so many times. However, it's precisely because of those times that I know "trying too hard" usually never works out. While I speak for the general side of things, this quote by C.S. Lewis still applies: "Many things - such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly - are done worst when we try hardest to do them".

I went for IPPT yesterday. Or should I say, I went to the camp yesterday for IPPT but was denied entry, reason being I did not bring my NRIC, nor any form of identification along. Being turned away at the gate when I travelled all the way to Bedok was frustrating. Just one of the many blunders and fails that have happened to me recently.

I went Xcape again, but this time with C and F sometime back. Despite good progress, we didn't complete the game. Surprisingly, I was pretty cool about not being able to complete. I no longer have the "damn it, why didn't this or that work out" mentality that defined most of the angst in my life. You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy.

I was at the Beer Market with C and F last week. A little bar that lists all its beers on the "beer exchanges" similar to a stock exchange. Depending on the demand of each beer, the prices fluctuates accordingly. We were lucky enough to buy a beer on the cheap. Too bad they didn't allow us to stock up and sell the beers for a profit. A witty comment on the menu also caught my interest and admiration. It was "Beware of beer bubbles". Those with an economics background should understand the wittiness of that.

I helped C move some stuff from his NTU hostel back to his home for the holidays today. Surprising how he managed to stock up on a ton of things despite living alone. We then went for a movie "X-Men: Days of Future Past", and proceeded to shop for some clothes. Congratulations to C on landing an internship with a well-known engineering company during the holidays. For an internship, the designation of "Assistant Project Manager" sounds mighty impressive! That should look mighty fine on his CV as well.

Come next week, I will be competing in the "South East Asian Grappling Challenge" - my 4th martial arts competition. Given how I ate a load of humble pie previously, I will not make any claims this time about winning - although I really want to! That said, I remember the very first time I entered into a martial arts competition, it was a decision that most would call insane. I had no prior martial arts training (hadn't even gone through military training yet) but just decided to register out of sheer foolhardiness. In truth though, I was feeling mighty frustrated and troubled at that time, so crazy as that sounds, I thought it would be a good avenue to channel those negativity. This time, I do indeed have some form of pent-up frustration that I wish could be unleashed. That said, most of the competitions I attended always left me with some kind of injury. I almost broke my arm, almost passed out due to exhaustion and I think I cracked my ribs in one fight. Am I worried? I guess I am, but I know I'll go anyway. I seem to have conviction and resoluteness in the strangest of areas.

My father was doing budgeting sometime back. He is no longer working and gets some income through his investment in stocks. Needless to say, that income is not particularly reliable, especially in the current market conditions. I took a look at his budgeting book and concluded that whatever he has planned is not going to work. To put it simply, he did not account for many things - not to mention his drinking and smoking habits, my sisters' University fees and other unexpected contingencies". In fact, where things are going now, it is definitely not sustainable. I wished I hadn't looked at that book and I wouldn't then be affected by it. I do not want that responsibility yet!  I do not want to have to consider others in my planning yet! I don't even want to plan yet! I do not want to ... grow up yet?

People have been saying things like: "So even you can ...", "I thought you would ...", "But you have always been ...", "You do not always ..." etc. No more expectations please. I do not believe that I have ever once once portrayed myself to be a pillar that will never fall. In fact, I experience falls very often - painful ones at that.

F***! Alright, now that I have my rant. Time to slap myself and realize that I'm being selfish. Ok... Now where's the contact number of that fund manager? I think it's time I start to seriously look at my investment portfolio.

The world seems very small when you want someone who understands, or to talk to.

[Quotes]
"Many things - such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly - are done worst when we try hardest to do them" - C.S. Lewis

"Life can only be understood backwards; but must be lived forwards." - Soren Kierkegaar 

"A burden shared is a burden halved." - T.A. Webb

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy." - C. JoyBell C.

“When a child first catches adults out -- when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just -- his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.” - John Steinbeck